Sorry I suck...

So I haven't written in over a month- there isn't really a good reason; I just haven't gotten it together. I am so sorry and vow to be better from now on, until I mess up next time.
Baby K turned one last week, it was crazy and yet her birthday ended up being just another day- we travelled to st.louis for a wedding and she was great. There was a young guy in the seat across the aisle from us who closed his eyes and K kept yelling at him so he would look at her. It was hysterical and luckily he was a good sport. I totally see myself in her (the attention seeking part of me) I am really glad she's not shy like some kids. She is changing more rapidly every day in good and bad ways. She now warns us before she cries with this horrendous whining, gasping sound! She is so strong-willed already I look at her and can just see the amazing tantrum potential and am already frightened...
As much as Baby K is growing, so is my knowledge of my husband and even myself. Every night before we go to sleep, Patrick and I tell each other our favorite part of that day. I always ask Patrick first and for the past couple of weeks, he hasn't reciprocated. I was totally hurt and irritated with him and and finally said something the other night, assuming he was just being a dude and didn't really care about our day and what cute things Baby K had done. He told me that when he hears about the cute things K does when he's at work it makes him really sad because he missed so many hours of her life. I was totally blown away by his response.
I have always joked that the reason Patrick doesn't emote more is because he just doesn't have many (or any) emotions to impart. Holy crap, was I wrong.

Tickle, Tickle!

So Baby K said her first word beside "Mama" and "Dada". I was feeding her lunch in her diaper and she started tickling her own belly and looked at me and said "tickle tickle"- it was very clear and definitely not a freak thing because I then tickled her and she said it again! Then she said it on the phone for Grandma and Aunt Audrey and Daddy. Then should took a nap because I had worn her out with my stage mom antics. She also turned 11 months yesterday, which is totally crazy! I am so proud of that big busy brain in her little bald head.
I have also realized that depression is no joke- With some ebbs and flows, I have been pretty depressed for the past several, say 8 months (it is a common myth that post-partum starts up right after the baby is born, for many women it's 3-6 months later). I am finally reaching the end of the tunnel however, with a little more medication and good therapy and a solid dose of gratitude for the life I have. I had an old friend email me and he was concerned because it seemed like I did not have a very happy life. I was so surprised! But then I looked at my past blogs and realized that for people who don't see me or actually talk to me often, or who don't know Patrick, it absolutely appears that way.
But in reality I am in awe at some point every single day of the overwhelming multitude of blessings that I have. My husband is a saint- Patrick is the most kind, loving and tolerant person I have ever encountered in my entire life. I would note that I am learning that I just have irrational expectations. (Amazing book dr.G is having me read call "The Guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis- it's changing my life, for now.) He is my cheerleader- I think I could even get him to wear an outfit and glue pom poms to his hand if he thought it would truly make him happy. Lucky for him, he looks great in his suit. :)
And I am truly grateful for my body- it's healthy and I have use of all four limbs. I promised myself when I broke my foot, I would never take walking for granted again, and of course I totally have. Did I mention I'm working on gratitude and rational expectations?
I am also humbled by my healthy child. When she was in my tummy, we weren't so sure for a while that she would live for very long in this world. (Modern tests are wonderful but they can also be such a curse.) And here she is happy and healthy and tickling her own tummy. What more can a mommy ask for...

It's All In the Beholder's Eyes...

So my diet was going great until the last two weeks, while I have not gained any weight back, I don't think I have lost anymore fat. (I have gained a ton of muscle and the numbers on the scale went up even though I have lost an entire size in the past six weeks.) The scale is now put away!!! I have just hit my half-way point in this entire process and began to get complacent with my progress. I also think I needed to take a little break and now I am back in the saddle and ready to be diligent once again.
But the interesting part of this diet part so far has been my perception of myself and my body. And my goals... in the beginning my goal was to be skinny, like a was before the K came. But now I just want to be strong and buff and healthy- in whatever size is best for me, no matter what that weighs or looks like. I know how corny I sound! But I don't want Karissa to grow up thinking that she has to be skinny to feel good about herself like I did- I think that if she sees me love my body, and work out and eat healthy, hopefully that is what she will equate to being beautiful. Not the number on the tag of my pants or the one on the scale.
Junior league starts up again this week as well- I am definitely excited about the grown up girl aspect of this organization. But I am going to be super-aware of the materialistic aspect of being a woman in palm beach. I know that I got caught up in the clothes and the shoes etc. my first year and that is not going to happen this year. I would love to show these women how fabulous a chick can look rocking Old Navy and a hip pair of Target sunglasses... I'll let you know how this goes. :)

Everyone Needs a Cheerleader!

So I have discovered the reason Heavenly Father sent Baby K to me specifically. The chick can clap! She started clapping two days ago and now she does it constantly (I think because she feels like my mere presence is cause for applause...) Did I mention she also yells "yay" as she claps? This is especially important to me now considering Patrick has been a little frustrating for me lately because he doesn't cheer enough for me. I know that he's tired when he gets home from his long days at work, but I could use being appreciated once in a while. Like yesterday for example; I busted my butt rearranging the living room furniture and cleaned the bathrooms (we have several glass doors and mirrors and tile and grout- I EVEN CLEANED THE GROUT!!!) and I waited for Patrick to notice. I waited and waited and waited and Patrick never said a darn thing so I finally brought it up and I got a "oh yeah, it looks nice." This has been the standard, or lack thereof lately...
I should have married a male cheerleader- I kid you not. A professional male cheerleader who would pull out pom poms when I got home and yell and jump for me when I cleaned the bathroom or made a good dinner. It wouldn't even matter if he was gay- I would totally trade a good roll in the hay for someone who cheered me on the way I feel like I deserve.
I would like to make a sidenote that I perhaps need a little more support and encouragement than most- my nieces have an impression of me that they do where they jump up and down and yell "You love me, right? You think I'm pretty, right. I love you! Do you love me?" Which shows just how many positive affirmations I need (I would like to note that I give as much support and encouragement as there are hours in the day, complete with jumping up and down and interpretive dances.) I don't know- I just wanted a pat on the back (literally) when I spend my days making his home comfy and his meals yummy and his baby happy.
Then again, maybe I should just get Baby K pom poms and call it a day.

Faster, Stronger, Cuter...

I am amazed at what a cliche of a mother I am. Baby K is almost 10 months old and as I watch her grow and progress into a real person, I see myself develop as her mother and now understand so many of the hopes and fears I have seen in the women around me who also have children. I feel a surge of pride at every little hint of progress and am so grateful that out of the 6+ billion people on the planet, we chose each other before this life even began. (Although there is a good chance she chose Patrick as her father and I was just part of the package deal...)
There are also things about her already remind me of yours truly. She already has my temper, and my sense of humor- everything is funny to her regardless of whether anyone else is laughing. She sings to herself all the time. And she talks non-stop, to the dogs, to me, to her toys. She loves TV and books and likes to just be in her diaper. (My mom had to bribe me to put clothes on when people came over until I was five!)
And there are things about her that I hope she will never struggle with as I have. I pray she never worries about if she's pretty enough, or thin enough because she is too busy being captain of her soccer team. (I always wanted to play soccer but didn't start early enough.) I hope she is secure enough not to care if boys don't call instead of crying on the bathroom floor like someone else I know did. I hope she looks at all of the addiction in her family and never drinks, or even tries drugs. I pray she is much happier than I was growing up, and experiences more peace and security, knowing that patrick and I will always be there for her in a way my own parents weren't, and that with our support, she will be able to do anything, or nothing, and we will love her just the same.
I vacuumed today and saw a glimpse of my child that gave me pure satisfaction that she will indeed be more many things that I am not. I remember being little and sitting on the couch with my feet up off the floor, waiting in fear for my mom to take the vacuum into another room. I was convinced it would suck me up into its bag and I would be forced to exist among the dirt that was once on our floor. But not my child, she is not afraid of the vacuum as it loudly rolls along the tile- she crawls after it and laughs when I push it towards her toes. Already she laughs in the face of things that I have feared, let's hope we can keep her that way.

Her Best Bud...

This picture is of Patrick's grandpa with Baby K and they are best buds. It was actually the night Grandpa Dempsey found out his only daughter had past away days before. It was a very sad situation and I had never met Patrick's aunt Belinda. She was a severe alcoholic who was an agoraphobic and been on oxygen for quite a long time. She a around 55 when she died and even her son didn't know until a couple days after she had been cremated. Do I accept that this could easily happen to my family? Absolutely- but I think that is why I am so grateful for the gospel. For the word of wisdom and eternals families specifically. What if this happened to me and I thought that this life was all there was? I can't imagine...
Grandpa Dempsey had also lulled Belinda to sleep in that same rocking chair. Patrick said that it was deeply moving to see them together; Baby K has an intense love for Grandpa and the way he sings to her. (I had stayed home to take a long bath and read.) It is amazing to see K with her grandparents and great-grandparents, when I didn't have either growing up. It is such a comfort that she will have them in her life since my mom is not able right now to be an active part of our family. I had always imagined that she would be here a lot to hold and take care of my kids the way she had with my nieces and nephews and now I am unsure that will ever happen but that's okay.
oh yeah, by the way- I lost three pounds last week and "Body for Life for Women" ROCKS! It was really pretty easy and I was never hungry and my milk supply went way up! I would highly suggest it for anybody, especially because it seems really sustainable and healthy for the long-term.

Mommy for Life...

So after my last self-pitying post, I decided to get off my lazy bum and do something about my current state of affairs. I bought the book "Body for Life for Women", read it on Tuesday and started it today. I even copied the eating plan and daily summary pages and the Valerie, my fabulous mailing center lady, bound them for me so that I can have all my stuff together. Nothing makes a person more committed than when acquaintances are gung-ho about your efforts. I went to her just to have the pages copied and she not only copied them but also put one of those plastic bindy things in the pages and a cute cover. And I see her at least once a week when I mail something patrick has sold on ebay and Valerie said she is going to check up on me every week to see how I'm doing. How's that for accountability?!
My brother-in-law did the boy version several years ago and I remember him looking amazing so I figured it couldn't hurt to try. Plus I am still nursing and you eat a ton while on it, like 5 or 6 times a day so I figure my milk will stay up. We shall see how this goes.
Patrick and I had a fabulous vacation in Tahoe with my sister and got along practically every second. I am so lucky we actually get along, even with cancelled flights and all. Baby K and my nephews were super cute together too- they were gaga over her which I was expecting considering they're 11 and 12 year old boys. It was a great getaway after all that's been going on lately...

Hope House...

Mom is in a new place now, hopefully for the next six months. It is called Hope House and is a house for women who for the most part have just gotten out of prison as a result of drug charges, although there are some psychiatric referrals (hence my lovely mother). It is a pretty intense place where women aren't allowed to wear makeup and every minute of the day is heavily structured. My sister Karen picked it and I just have to laugh at how different she and I are- it is really good that she is now "in charge"; I know I would have picked another cushy place that would have cost too much money and not done any good. Maybe she will be so miserable there that the rest of life will seem like cherry pie and she will no longer need to use.
The babe is trying to walk- she just turned nine months and is as cute as ever! She has no fear and falls down everywhere but just laughs and gets back up again. Good lesson for her mama. I can't believe how fast time has gone and yet in some ways it feels like forever; she has now been out of my tummy longer than she was in it.
It's rough though, I guess because I feel like I didn't just have a baby anymore that I should be fitting into all of my clothes again. I was in the best shape of my life before I got pregnant but now I wonder if that was a bad thing because being thin and fabulous is so fresh in my mind. I really hate my body- pretty much everything about it. It is amazing how much I have changed physically- my skin is broken out all the time when before I got pregnant it was beautiful. I can't even wear my hair the way I want to because whozit will try to eat it for a snack. My face is fatter too. I looked at pictures that has been taken in the past week and felt like the woman holding baby K should have been someone other than me, like perhaps a frumpy friend... I posted a before and after- just because I'm a masochist.

Being Sick Sucks...

So I have been totally sick and pathetic since Tuesday and even though it sucks, in many ways it has been a blessing because it has really grounded me. Like, grounded as in haven't been allowed to leave the house- with all the craziness in my life apparently my body needed me to slow waaaay down.
Patrick has been amazing and supportive and loving the past week. I am super sensitive to the fact that even though I am sick, I still have to be a good mommy and wife. Patrick still has to dress up and go to work even if he doesn't feel good (although he is never, ever sick. EVER!) I try and stay really sweet even though I don't feel good so he won't leave me (do other women wonder if their husbands ever want to leave them? I would like some input on this.)
We paid a full tithe this month, the first time since Baby K was born and although things are still tight and I got sick, and my mom's situation is in the crapper, it still felt like a better month where I was closer to my Heavenly Father. Maybe just being closer to him was the blessing I needed.
Baby K is super cute too, she is crawling all over the place and has started standing up on things and balancing with one hand! She also growls when she eats, but it sounds more like a squeak than a growl.
I think much of what I have gained this month is not an extra grand or perfect health, or a perfect life- but instead something much more important, which is perspective regarding my life. I am in a free country with a beautiful roof over my head and an amazing husband. Not to mention a Heavenly Father who totally thinks I rock and believes in me and my ability to choose the right. Amen!

So Jose, my 50 year old Cuban therapist has actually become my therapist and my sisters' therapist and my aunt's therapist... mostly because he made the mistake of giving me his cell phone number and the couple of times I have called for help (get it- called for help?) HE ACTUALLY ANSWERED! He has saved my butt a lot lately and led me to make really healthy decisions when I think that I wouldn't have otherwise. Thus I think that everyone should add getting a therapist to their to-do list.
Good old Mom is now in a psychiatric ward after the desk clerk called 911 when Mom overdosed in her motel room; Jose and I decided that it is best if I step away completely for awhile. It has become much like watching the news; really bad things are happening right in front of me and I have absolutely zero bearing on their outcome so I have decided to change the channel and turn Jon & Kate plus 8 back on. (Best show ever by the way, it's like crack but legal and in cute kids clothes.)

Even Wonder Woman was an Alcoholic...

So I haven't been writing because I had originally wanted this to be fun and bubbly and entertaining, and lately these are not adjectives I would use to describe my life. A year ago Monday, I found my mom in the devastating state of alcoholism. Since then she has been in three rehabs and two half-way houses, not to mention the plethora of near-death (in the worst way) experiences. (Just a side note- in the two minutes since I started writing this, I have knocked over my hot chocolate, broken the mug, and somehow dropped a small fire extinguisher onto my foot. I think my subconscious is having a seizure.)
I am now seeing the best therapist ever and have now started to live on my own with the realization that although she and I were joined at the hip for the first 20 years of my life, it's time for me to jump ship eventhough I am now frequently breaking out in hives. I think she is now in Oregon and my sisters and I have had to let go and realize that we can't help her anymore. We have exhausted all of our options and then some.
I recently bought a plant though and named it after my mom. I think that people with dying loved ones should do this, buy a plant and take care of it- water it and talked to it and watch it flourish. It has been strangely healing for me and I highly recommend it.

Oh my Goodness...

Patrick not-so-gently reminded me yesterday that I haven't written anything in forever! My nieces, Ruby and Addie, are here and we have been having a blast. They remind me why I want a ton of kids; life has been really full of fun and talking and laughing since they have been here and I am actually quite nervous about how empty the house will be when they go home next week. Ruby and I were figuring out how to trick her mom into staying here but we haven't figured out anything other than sending mannequins with big hair on the plane back to Atlanta.
They also worship Patrick and it has been great to watch them be together. He endures their girl shows about mermaids and answers every question they ask as thoroughly and as patiently as he can. This morning Ruby asked him how many miles an hour the ceiling fan in our bedroom rotates and they actually sat there and figured it out together and he taught her how to find the area of a circle. I just sat in amazement. Somehow they also moved onto estimating how many cabs are in New York City because apparently that's an interview question many law firms ask and he thought it would come in handy someday. I fell back asleep before they figured out the answer... I hope that Karissa gets her brains from her father.

Goat Butt, One Word or Two?

Eventhough we constantly bathe her, sometimes Baby K smells so bad that we now know what goat butt smells like. Patrick wanted to adopt it as another of her many nicknames, but that is not happening. Mostly because we couldn't decide if it was one word or two. Regardless, it's bad, goat butt bad.
Patrick got up with K for the first time in three months Saturday night and he was wrecked all day Sunday. It was awesome! I didn't feel guilty at all and think he has a new appreciation for Mommy.
I am watching Real World:Hollywood and Joey just got back from rehab. He seems like a different person- my heart breaks for him and that strange re-entrance onto planet Earth. It is timely since my mom gets out on the 11th. It's funny how are brains work, I can't refer to it as Wednesday, or the day after tomorrow because that seems too painfully soon. Thus it is June 11th. I hope that this time she makes it...
On another note, Baby K is such a big swimmin' fool now! She floats around in her floaty splashing in the water and puts her head under for seconds at a time and loves it. She went in the ocean with us on Saturday and bobbed in the waves. Patrick held her and we all floated together and she loved it. My heart was racing the whole time but I tried really hard to be the cool, laid back mom with all my might. My mom hasn't seen K in months and months, which is crazy. She is growing so fast it makes me want another puppy in the worst way- we might start fostering animals to fulfill that need. It's a great way to have a puppy all the time without having to make a huge commitment, which I know Patrick won't go for anytime soon.

Love at First Chew Toy...

So I think a lot can be said about a woman by which bachelor she roots for on the new Bachelorette. I, personally am of the Jess persuasion (pro-snowboarder, curly hair, oddly metrosexual blazer). I am not ashamed to saw how much I love this show and the profound insights it offers me every tuesday morning when I watch it, tivo style. I would like to note that Jesse also won the mechanical bull contest, proving just how well rounded he really is. He was also the first to the rescue when DeAnna fell of the bull- but now we shall move on... except I would also note that he claimed he will know he is truly in love when they can fart in bed together. A man after my own heart!!!
Baby K is growing and crawling like crazy- she moves super fast and I am going to baby proof today. Next thing you know she will be going to college. It is amazing to watch how her relationship with the pups is evolving. They really seem to love each other and have bonded in a way that I hadn't anticipated. Abby is also teaching K how to have boundaries, like when she tries to lick her face and K gets mad and screams at her. Patrick and I have been trying to get Abby to stop licking her for 7 months and Baby K got her to stop in about 2 seconds and then they went back to playing. It was the first glimpse of what a strong, self-assured little girl we have who is already becoming capable of taking care of herself.
K went swimming in the pool and for the first time, actually enjoyed it. She really loves the water and hung out in her floaty all by herself happy as a clam. I was so proud of her for being such a brave little girl and having no fear. I hope we can keep her that way. I am sure Patrick frequently hanging her upside down on a daily basis can't hurt.
By the way, I have totally lost three pounds in the last 2 weeks- I rock, if I do say so myself. :)

Yoga My World...

So I have been going to yoga and it is just amazing, even though I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn. I have lost 2.6 pounds so far and I am sooo excited about my progress. It is really important to me to keep doing it so that I can practice when I am pregnant with my other children. It is interesting to me that I already place so much importance on treating my children equally even though K is the only one already here. I swear all of her yoga classes are much of the reason she is such a happy girl. I think having four pets has been great practice for having four kids. After all, when Baby K came home from the hospital, Patrick said she was a lot like getting a puppy, except slightly easier... which coming from him is a huge compliment.
I have been teaching K sign language and I don't think she quite gets what is going on, but she sure thinks it's funny! She waves her hands around a lot now and people always think she's waving at them, I don't tell them that she just does that all the time- why not let her be treated like a little genius once in a while. I am using a great book called "Baby Sign" that breaks down how to teach your baby starting at 4 months. OH MY GOSH I AM SOO THAT MOM!!! But when she is 25 and knows the sign for sleep and bath, she will thank me. (Oh the delusions of a new mother...)
She has also started trying to crawl, which is very exciting. She does a great inch worm and I am going to enter her into the next season of "so you think you can dance". I love my bugaboo!
By the way, isn't the resemblance between Lacy and K uncanny?

Grateful for Mother No. 1

Today was one of those days where I was so sick of staying in the house that I was actually excited to go to the grocery store because it was an excuse to get out of my pajamas. Then it started to pour and the sky was full of lightning so I stayed home. I kept having these images of Baby K being struck by lightning in her shopping cart in the parking lot- I think that's because every fact patrick uses ends up beginning "you have a better chance of being struck by lightning that..."
I was feeling a little disheartened about motherhood until I read an article on CNN.com about a woman in China who is breastfeeding 9 babies that were orphaned by China's earthquake. I was filled with gratitude to have something in common with an amazing woman like Jiang. Being a mother is truly the greatest honor I could ever have, even if it means that some days I do nothing more than read picture books and eagerly waiting for my little one to poop so I can let her be naked for a while afterwards. What a gift...
I am thankful that K has parents who love her and that we are all safe and happy when there are so many others who are not as blessed. I just pray that there are more people like Jiang who can offer comfort and sustanence to those who are in need, and that I too will be able to help others when called upon.

Ruffing It...

So we went camping this past weekend for the first time in years! I thought it was going to be totally awful and that I was "taking one for the team" but it ended up being amazing! Karissa became a nature baby and it brought Patrick and I much closer together- something I had not anticipated. We went to Juniper Springs up in Ocala and even set up our own tent outside inside of in our living room like I had originally wanted to do. :) Oh, and the redneck contingency was priceless; we tried to start counting how many times someone told their kids they were going to "bust their ass" over the course of the weekend but lost count at around 150... it was like being in our very own episode of King of the Hill.
I went to yoga after looking at pictures of myself from the weekend (if you notice I am only posting pictures of Patrick and Baby K.) It was a little scary and a lot hard the first time back, but people were super supportive. The teacher announced to the class that I was back after taking a break and having a baby and I was sooo proud of myself. It was great to hear my laziness and inadequacy as being framed as merely taking a break. I realized that I need to be much more gentle regarding how I have spent my time as being a mom and wife. Will I ever be a size 6 or 8 again? ABSOLUTELY!!! But it's okay if I am not right now. I thought that I was going to end up eating a big ol' piece of humble pie but it ended up being a pie of acceptance instead, which tastes far better.
We went to sushi last night and when Patrick was holding K, she started saying dadadada over and over- I know that she doesn't know what she's saying but of course I started crying anyway because the joy on Patrick's face was priceless. She has been saying it for weeks but of course never when he was in earshot. She is such a tease!

Give Me Some Zwag!!!

I found the coolest website today at www.zwaggle.com- It's this website where parents can exchange stuff that they don't want anymore. I plan on just giving a ton of stuff away to make room for more, like the nasty doll Baby K fell in love with at Nordstroms yesterday; we were there with Audrey and Dara and all of a sudden K had this look of ecstasy on her face as she reached for "abby cadabby" on the shelf. I have bought her dozens and dozens of blankets and stuffed animals hoping that one of them would be her transitional object (the thing that would help her gain independence from my boobs) but of course she picks a thirty dollar fuschia fairy...
She loves her carseat (the way it tastes, anyway!) Both of her bottom teeth are now coming in and she is super crankers :( But she told me that if I eat lots of pie it will help her feel better- it's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it.
So I am going back to bikram yoga regularly next week because no matter what I do, those last 20 pounds just ain't coming off; I can blame it on nursing but the pie reference above probably doesn't help my case. I miss it and think that it's worth getting up at 5:30 in the morning so I can go. I know that my baby fat will just fall off and the "me" time is good too. This keeps happening where I try to do without and come full circle (I think that's the point of a circle, it just goes round and round and round... and round. Maybe that's the point!)

Jumping for Peas...

I have finally gotten it together enough to start blogging! I figure if I redirect the energy I put into rewriting and organizing to do lists into this, it will be time well spent. (I think that writing a blog probably burns more calories that writing a list, which is another incentive.)
So we had a great Mother's Day- we went to church and Baby K was loud and thoroughly entertained the 3 rows in front of us, and the 2 rows behind! She sings with the best of them, even if she is slightly out of tune. We ended up watching the British version of Planet Earth and everytime an animal was killed- K would laugh hysterically and get a huge smile on her face; apparently she shares her mother's outlook on life...
Her bigger girl car seat came yesterday and it is huge, the freakin' thing better protect her from a nuclear war! I hope she likes it, we ended up getting her the Britax Boulevard because it is safe up to 65 pounds and I had seen a video on youtube about this specific seat saving a little girls life. Most seats only go up to 45 pounds as opposed to her still being in it when she is around 8 instead of 6 or 7. Patrick had this look of horror on his face when it came and wondered at first if I had ordered the stainless steel fridge I've been wanting instead of her carseat.
We got a hand-me down jumper from patrick's cousin and Baby K is jumping in the pantry like world peace depends on the amount of air she can get. What a little rockstar, I hope she's adventerous like her daddy!
But most importantly- did anyone see the six foot cow on the view this morning!?