Sorry I suck...

So I haven't written in over a month- there isn't really a good reason; I just haven't gotten it together. I am so sorry and vow to be better from now on, until I mess up next time.
Baby K turned one last week, it was crazy and yet her birthday ended up being just another day- we travelled to st.louis for a wedding and she was great. There was a young guy in the seat across the aisle from us who closed his eyes and K kept yelling at him so he would look at her. It was hysterical and luckily he was a good sport. I totally see myself in her (the attention seeking part of me) I am really glad she's not shy like some kids. She is changing more rapidly every day in good and bad ways. She now warns us before she cries with this horrendous whining, gasping sound! She is so strong-willed already I look at her and can just see the amazing tantrum potential and am already frightened...
As much as Baby K is growing, so is my knowledge of my husband and even myself. Every night before we go to sleep, Patrick and I tell each other our favorite part of that day. I always ask Patrick first and for the past couple of weeks, he hasn't reciprocated. I was totally hurt and irritated with him and and finally said something the other night, assuming he was just being a dude and didn't really care about our day and what cute things Baby K had done. He told me that when he hears about the cute things K does when he's at work it makes him really sad because he missed so many hours of her life. I was totally blown away by his response.
I have always joked that the reason Patrick doesn't emote more is because he just doesn't have many (or any) emotions to impart. Holy crap, was I wrong.

Tickle, Tickle!

So Baby K said her first word beside "Mama" and "Dada". I was feeding her lunch in her diaper and she started tickling her own belly and looked at me and said "tickle tickle"- it was very clear and definitely not a freak thing because I then tickled her and she said it again! Then she said it on the phone for Grandma and Aunt Audrey and Daddy. Then should took a nap because I had worn her out with my stage mom antics. She also turned 11 months yesterday, which is totally crazy! I am so proud of that big busy brain in her little bald head.
I have also realized that depression is no joke- With some ebbs and flows, I have been pretty depressed for the past several, say 8 months (it is a common myth that post-partum starts up right after the baby is born, for many women it's 3-6 months later). I am finally reaching the end of the tunnel however, with a little more medication and good therapy and a solid dose of gratitude for the life I have. I had an old friend email me and he was concerned because it seemed like I did not have a very happy life. I was so surprised! But then I looked at my past blogs and realized that for people who don't see me or actually talk to me often, or who don't know Patrick, it absolutely appears that way.
But in reality I am in awe at some point every single day of the overwhelming multitude of blessings that I have. My husband is a saint- Patrick is the most kind, loving and tolerant person I have ever encountered in my entire life. I would note that I am learning that I just have irrational expectations. (Amazing book dr.G is having me read call "The Guide to Rational Living" by Albert Ellis- it's changing my life, for now.) He is my cheerleader- I think I could even get him to wear an outfit and glue pom poms to his hand if he thought it would truly make him happy. Lucky for him, he looks great in his suit. :)
And I am truly grateful for my body- it's healthy and I have use of all four limbs. I promised myself when I broke my foot, I would never take walking for granted again, and of course I totally have. Did I mention I'm working on gratitude and rational expectations?
I am also humbled by my healthy child. When she was in my tummy, we weren't so sure for a while that she would live for very long in this world. (Modern tests are wonderful but they can also be such a curse.) And here she is happy and healthy and tickling her own tummy. What more can a mommy ask for...

It's All In the Beholder's Eyes...

So my diet was going great until the last two weeks, while I have not gained any weight back, I don't think I have lost anymore fat. (I have gained a ton of muscle and the numbers on the scale went up even though I have lost an entire size in the past six weeks.) The scale is now put away!!! I have just hit my half-way point in this entire process and began to get complacent with my progress. I also think I needed to take a little break and now I am back in the saddle and ready to be diligent once again.
But the interesting part of this diet part so far has been my perception of myself and my body. And my goals... in the beginning my goal was to be skinny, like a was before the K came. But now I just want to be strong and buff and healthy- in whatever size is best for me, no matter what that weighs or looks like. I know how corny I sound! But I don't want Karissa to grow up thinking that she has to be skinny to feel good about herself like I did- I think that if she sees me love my body, and work out and eat healthy, hopefully that is what she will equate to being beautiful. Not the number on the tag of my pants or the one on the scale.
Junior league starts up again this week as well- I am definitely excited about the grown up girl aspect of this organization. But I am going to be super-aware of the materialistic aspect of being a woman in palm beach. I know that I got caught up in the clothes and the shoes etc. my first year and that is not going to happen this year. I would love to show these women how fabulous a chick can look rocking Old Navy and a hip pair of Target sunglasses... I'll let you know how this goes. :)

Everyone Needs a Cheerleader!

So I have discovered the reason Heavenly Father sent Baby K to me specifically. The chick can clap! She started clapping two days ago and now she does it constantly (I think because she feels like my mere presence is cause for applause...) Did I mention she also yells "yay" as she claps? This is especially important to me now considering Patrick has been a little frustrating for me lately because he doesn't cheer enough for me. I know that he's tired when he gets home from his long days at work, but I could use being appreciated once in a while. Like yesterday for example; I busted my butt rearranging the living room furniture and cleaned the bathrooms (we have several glass doors and mirrors and tile and grout- I EVEN CLEANED THE GROUT!!!) and I waited for Patrick to notice. I waited and waited and waited and Patrick never said a darn thing so I finally brought it up and I got a "oh yeah, it looks nice." This has been the standard, or lack thereof lately...
I should have married a male cheerleader- I kid you not. A professional male cheerleader who would pull out pom poms when I got home and yell and jump for me when I cleaned the bathroom or made a good dinner. It wouldn't even matter if he was gay- I would totally trade a good roll in the hay for someone who cheered me on the way I feel like I deserve.
I would like to make a sidenote that I perhaps need a little more support and encouragement than most- my nieces have an impression of me that they do where they jump up and down and yell "You love me, right? You think I'm pretty, right. I love you! Do you love me?" Which shows just how many positive affirmations I need (I would like to note that I give as much support and encouragement as there are hours in the day, complete with jumping up and down and interpretive dances.) I don't know- I just wanted a pat on the back (literally) when I spend my days making his home comfy and his meals yummy and his baby happy.
Then again, maybe I should just get Baby K pom poms and call it a day.

Faster, Stronger, Cuter...

I am amazed at what a cliche of a mother I am. Baby K is almost 10 months old and as I watch her grow and progress into a real person, I see myself develop as her mother and now understand so many of the hopes and fears I have seen in the women around me who also have children. I feel a surge of pride at every little hint of progress and am so grateful that out of the 6+ billion people on the planet, we chose each other before this life even began. (Although there is a good chance she chose Patrick as her father and I was just part of the package deal...)
There are also things about her already remind me of yours truly. She already has my temper, and my sense of humor- everything is funny to her regardless of whether anyone else is laughing. She sings to herself all the time. And she talks non-stop, to the dogs, to me, to her toys. She loves TV and books and likes to just be in her diaper. (My mom had to bribe me to put clothes on when people came over until I was five!)
And there are things about her that I hope she will never struggle with as I have. I pray she never worries about if she's pretty enough, or thin enough because she is too busy being captain of her soccer team. (I always wanted to play soccer but didn't start early enough.) I hope she is secure enough not to care if boys don't call instead of crying on the bathroom floor like someone else I know did. I hope she looks at all of the addiction in her family and never drinks, or even tries drugs. I pray she is much happier than I was growing up, and experiences more peace and security, knowing that patrick and I will always be there for her in a way my own parents weren't, and that with our support, she will be able to do anything, or nothing, and we will love her just the same.
I vacuumed today and saw a glimpse of my child that gave me pure satisfaction that she will indeed be more many things that I am not. I remember being little and sitting on the couch with my feet up off the floor, waiting in fear for my mom to take the vacuum into another room. I was convinced it would suck me up into its bag and I would be forced to exist among the dirt that was once on our floor. But not my child, she is not afraid of the vacuum as it loudly rolls along the tile- she crawls after it and laughs when I push it towards her toes. Already she laughs in the face of things that I have feared, let's hope we can keep her that way.

Her Best Bud...

This picture is of Patrick's grandpa with Baby K and they are best buds. It was actually the night Grandpa Dempsey found out his only daughter had past away days before. It was a very sad situation and I had never met Patrick's aunt Belinda. She was a severe alcoholic who was an agoraphobic and been on oxygen for quite a long time. She a around 55 when she died and even her son didn't know until a couple days after she had been cremated. Do I accept that this could easily happen to my family? Absolutely- but I think that is why I am so grateful for the gospel. For the word of wisdom and eternals families specifically. What if this happened to me and I thought that this life was all there was? I can't imagine...
Grandpa Dempsey had also lulled Belinda to sleep in that same rocking chair. Patrick said that it was deeply moving to see them together; Baby K has an intense love for Grandpa and the way he sings to her. (I had stayed home to take a long bath and read.) It is amazing to see K with her grandparents and great-grandparents, when I didn't have either growing up. It is such a comfort that she will have them in her life since my mom is not able right now to be an active part of our family. I had always imagined that she would be here a lot to hold and take care of my kids the way she had with my nieces and nephews and now I am unsure that will ever happen but that's okay.
oh yeah, by the way- I lost three pounds last week and "Body for Life for Women" ROCKS! It was really pretty easy and I was never hungry and my milk supply went way up! I would highly suggest it for anybody, especially because it seems really sustainable and healthy for the long-term.

Mommy for Life...

So after my last self-pitying post, I decided to get off my lazy bum and do something about my current state of affairs. I bought the book "Body for Life for Women", read it on Tuesday and started it today. I even copied the eating plan and daily summary pages and the Valerie, my fabulous mailing center lady, bound them for me so that I can have all my stuff together. Nothing makes a person more committed than when acquaintances are gung-ho about your efforts. I went to her just to have the pages copied and she not only copied them but also put one of those plastic bindy things in the pages and a cute cover. And I see her at least once a week when I mail something patrick has sold on ebay and Valerie said she is going to check up on me every week to see how I'm doing. How's that for accountability?!
My brother-in-law did the boy version several years ago and I remember him looking amazing so I figured it couldn't hurt to try. Plus I am still nursing and you eat a ton while on it, like 5 or 6 times a day so I figure my milk will stay up. We shall see how this goes.
Patrick and I had a fabulous vacation in Tahoe with my sister and got along practically every second. I am so lucky we actually get along, even with cancelled flights and all. Baby K and my nephews were super cute together too- they were gaga over her which I was expecting considering they're 11 and 12 year old boys. It was a great getaway after all that's been going on lately...