Monday, July 28, 2008
Mom is in a new place now, hopefully for the next six months. It is called Hope House and is a house for women who for the most part have just gotten out of prison as a result of drug charges, although there are some psychiatric referrals (hence my lovely mother). It is a pretty intense place where women aren't allowed to wear makeup and every minute of the day is heavily structured. My sister Karen picked it and I just have to laugh at how different she and I are- it is really good that she is now "in charge"; I know I would have picked another cushy place that would have cost too much money and not done any good. Maybe she will be so miserable there that the rest of life will seem like cherry pie and she will no longer need to use.
The babe is trying to walk- she just turned nine months and is as cute as ever! She has no fear and falls down everywhere but just laughs and gets back up again. Good lesson for her mama. I can't believe how fast time has gone and yet in some ways it feels like forever; she has now been out of my tummy longer than she was in it.
It's rough though, I guess because I feel like I didn't just have a baby anymore that I should be fitting into all of my clothes again. I was in the best shape of my life before I got pregnant but now I wonder if that was a bad thing because being thin and fabulous is so fresh in my mind. I really hate my body- pretty much everything about it. It is amazing how much I have changed physically- my skin is broken out all the time when before I got pregnant it was beautiful. I can't even wear my hair the way I want to because whozit will try to eat it for a snack. My face is fatter too. I looked at pictures that has been taken in the past week and felt like the woman holding baby K should have been someone other than me, like perhaps a frumpy friend... I posted a before and after- just because I'm a masochist.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
So I have been totally sick and pathetic since Tuesday and even though it sucks, in many ways it has been a blessing because it has really grounded me. Like, grounded as in haven't been allowed to leave the house- with all the craziness in my life apparently my body needed me to slow waaaay down.
Patrick has been amazing and supportive and loving the past week. I am super sensitive to the fact that even though I am sick, I still have to be a good mommy and wife. Patrick still has to dress up and go to work even if he doesn't feel good (although he is never, ever sick. EVER!) I try and stay really sweet even though I don't feel good so he won't leave me (do other women wonder if their husbands ever want to leave them? I would like some input on this.)
We paid a full tithe this month, the first time since Baby K was born and although things are still tight and I got sick, and my mom's situation is in the crapper, it still felt like a better month where I was closer to my Heavenly Father. Maybe just being closer to him was the blessing I needed.
Baby K is super cute too, she is crawling all over the place and has started standing up on things and balancing with one hand! She also growls when she eats, but it sounds more like a squeak than a growl.
I think much of what I have gained this month is not an extra grand or perfect health, or a perfect life- but instead something much more important, which is perspective regarding my life. I am in a free country with a beautiful roof over my head and an amazing husband. Not to mention a Heavenly Father who totally thinks I rock and believes in me and my ability to choose the right. Amen!
Friday, July 11, 2008
So Jose, my 50 year old Cuban therapist has actually become my therapist and my sisters' therapist and my aunt's therapist... mostly because he made the mistake of giving me his cell phone number and the couple of times I have called for help (get it- called for help?) HE ACTUALLY ANSWERED! He has saved my butt a lot lately and led me to make really healthy decisions when I think that I wouldn't have otherwise. Thus I think that everyone should add getting a therapist to their to-do list.
Good old Mom is now in a psychiatric ward after the desk clerk called 911 when Mom overdosed in her motel room; Jose and I decided that it is best if I step away completely for awhile. It has become much like watching the news; really bad things are happening right in front of me and I have absolutely zero bearing on their outcome so I have decided to change the channel and turn Jon & Kate plus 8 back on. (Best show ever by the way, it's like crack but legal and in cute kids clothes.)
Saturday, July 5, 2008
So I haven't been writing because I had originally wanted this to be fun and bubbly and entertaining, and lately these are not adjectives I would use to describe my life. A year ago Monday, I found my mom in the devastating state of alcoholism. Since then she has been in three rehabs and two half-way houses, not to mention the plethora of near-death (in the worst way) experiences. (Just a side note- in the two minutes since I started writing this, I have knocked over my hot chocolate, broken the mug, and somehow dropped a small fire extinguisher onto my foot. I think my subconscious is having a seizure.)
I am now seeing the best therapist ever and have now started to live on my own with the realization that although she and I were joined at the hip for the first 20 years of my life, it's time for me to jump ship eventhough I am now frequently breaking out in hives. I think she is now in Oregon and my sisters and I have had to let go and realize that we can't help her anymore. We have exhausted all of our options and then some.
I recently bought a plant though and named it after my mom. I think that people with dying loved ones should do this, buy a plant and take care of it- water it and talked to it and watch it flourish. It has been strangely healing for me and I highly recommend it.